March has jokes

 My enthusiasm to ride has vanished again.

Instead of riding I've been working on teaching the baby horses to tie.  Great drama ensued.  I think many people take their horse standing tied for granted, it's probably the single most important thing you can teach a baby horse.  Tying and yielding.  

Perhaps the riding will resume soon?

Spring is near (but not near enough)

 

When you have your vet out to do shots and coggins and he says your horses have all wintered well, and you're not sure if it's a compliment

Weekends on the farm

 Last weekend the weather was in the 40s so we spent the entire day outside catching up on farm chores

I took my jacket off it felt so warm

The chickens were out and about in the grass begging for snacks

We fixed fence and found part of a flymask.  Ungrateful heathens.  

I burned boxes and sticks from the last high wind warning.  You have no idea how much stuff you'll set on fire until you own a farm.

The dog gave up on sleeping on the couch and died up against the barn wall.

We took the starter from the tractor and dropped it off in this box at a house down the road.  Legend has it a guy you never see repairs it then calls you.

Because the tractor was broken again I used my truck to drag my arena, redneck style.

What's in a lead rope?

The lead rope.  A tool that no horse person can do without.  A tool that every horse person probably has 45 of.  But what kind of lead rope do you use?

The cotton rope. A classic.  This one has a bull snap, which was made by people who hate other people.

 

The leather lead.  I have a few of these that I use for showing in hand.  I can't stand them for every day use they don't have a good grip on themI also prefer my chains to be detachable because I don't always need a chain and unless they are applied properly they can be dangerous (ever see a horse put a hoof through the loop?).

The nylon lead.  I prefer a nylon lead over a cotton lead.  I have no idea why.  I think because they are less bulky in the hand.

The Natural Horsemanship lead.  I talked shit about these for YEARS.  Who needed a special lead rope?   Then when I started being more aware of my horse's ground manners, when I needed to teach a horse to trailer load, when I needed something with enough weight to earn respect I found myself reaching for one.  The 10 foot length is perfect for having enough rope to handle a fresh horse, make one lunge around you, or to do all the natural horsemanship you feel like.  Yes, I even have the funny snap.  

Death, Glory, and being Mediocre.

 Hello!!!  Welcome!!  Anyone still out there?  No?  Ehhh...

Way back in 2019 I put away my blogging for what I thought was going to be forever.  The death of a friend had knocked me off kilter and I became consumed with WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT.

That I was never going to be brave enough

That I didn't deserve my farm

That I needed to move up and stop stealing ribbons

That my successes weren't a big deal

That I had been taking weekly lessons for years and NEVER IMPROVED.

And I let that consume me.  I'd move forward a bit, have a success, then get stuck in my own self doubt and worry about what other people thought.  Yes I still did stuff, I still showed, I still had good rides and lots of fun, but I was always stuck in my mediocrity.  Hell, I even ended my blog because I thought nobody wanted to read a blog from a mediocre rider.

And you know what?  That's probably still true.  

But......how many other mediocre riders are out there, just like me, thinking they need to live up to expectations and standards set by other people?  Unhappy with their own lives based on the opinions and ideas of someone else?  

Last summer, at a horse trial competing in the level "amoeba" I started a catch phrase, based off a Youtube video of someone in Ireland jumping ENORMOUS hunt fences.  They screamed DEATH OR GLORY!!!!!!!!  

It gave me the giggles.  You only have two options.  Death...Or Glory.

So I shared it.  My fellow fat old ladies riding saintly horses over cross rails competitors loved it!  We screamed DEATH OR GLORY!!!!!  to each other as we slowly and carefully trotted around our crossrails.  We had a blast.  We stole those ribbons right from those little children.

Yet people still tried to steal our joy.  Kind of ridiculous isn't it?  Bunch of grown ups screaming death or glory over crossrails?  Did we expect to die?  Were we really that unsafe?

And so I kind of squished down my death or glory cry and made sure I didn't displease others.  

Then, a solid year later a dear friend scribbled it on the inside of my birthday card.  Explained how it made the entire show for them.  I had made an impact.  Mediocre me.  That was the start.

Then, on my actual birthday I went and I looked at a horse.  A big bay snorty one I have no use for but on my way there, Jesus Christ did I want to call my dear dead friend.  To discuss it's bloodlines.  To talk about it's future.  To hear how encouraging she would have been with an entirely irrational choice.   And so I bought the horse.  Because it made me think of my friend, because it made me think of the person I used to want to be, because we can be happy in our mediocrity.  

Moving forward.

Hello faithful listeners, it's been a year since I've blogged so anyone reading now must actually be faithful, or have nothing better to do!

I wanted to use my decrepit blog to muddle through some things, get some stuff off my chest, vent a little, maybe cry a bit.

In October of last year my former barn manager, and friend of over a decade, fell off her gelding, suffered a catastrophic injury, and never woke up, eventually being released from this world to go wherever it is people go when they die.  It was an emotionally challenging time.  People have a lot of reactions to the death of a friend, especially when they die doing their daily joy of swinging a leg over a horse.  For me I threw myself into the task of rehoming 19  horses.  She took great care of her horses, was lousy at selling any, and there was no way I was going to let them end up on a truck to Mexico.  The community really came together, and in a few weeks most of the horses were gone off the property, with the last and the oldest leaving with a great person who knew it was probably hospice.   I think many of the people that took time out of their lives to load up senior citizens knew that the horses weren't coming back home yet they showed up anyway.   They called me at all hours asking how they could help take care of her horses.  Not having a will complicated matters, but luckily for the horses she didn't have a lot of bills and there isn't a lot of value for old broodmares.  I tried to place horses in the right homes, with the right people.  People who would get them going under saddle again and rehome them.  People who could start a few of the younger horses and make them productive citizens.  People who didn't mind picking up a 34 year old mare with no teeth.  It was something we felt we owed my friend, for being so active in the community.  To take care of her horses when she couldn't.


Winter moved into the farm quickly, and before I had fully sorted out the horse situation it was dark at 5pm, we didn't have any money to fix things that broke, the property flooded frequently (at one point I was trying to keep my horse fit in a 50x50 patch because my indoor had gotten snow inside, which melted, then froze), and I was stuck in a state of depression that left me with no desire to ride, no desire to own a farm, and sitting in my arena sand sobbing because a gate fell off the hinges.  Stella was in varying stages of crazy due to lack of work, or lame with abscesses.   Pulling her rear shoes for winter backfired horribly.  I don't care who gets mad, but having an indoor arena doesn't matter when it's 20 degrees outside.  I cancelled lessons.  I showed up at lessons with no real desire to ride.  I was pretty sure I was going to sell the farm in the spring, what fun is a farm if you can't ride?  You question your sanity when it's 20 degrees and a good friend fell off a horse and died.  People fall off horses all the time.  People die doing it.  But not people you are close to.  I think I went a month without riding.  It made me sad.  But then I didn't want to ride anyway.  That made me even more sad.  I didn't want to get on a fresh horse after working at a job I hated and have a bad ride.  I didn't want to fall off.  I didn't want to.

For some reason I am a person that just keeps moving.  Even when it feels like I'm pushing a rope up a hill.  Maybe because I don't know how to do anything else.  Maybe because I'm too stupid to realize that I should just quit riding.

Even when life says "take up golf"


When I tell a trainer I want to quit riding my entirely unsuitable green horse I got dumped off of weekly and just ride lesson horses, then I have a panic attack riding said saintly lesson horse due to my being dumped weekly by another horse.  Then that trainer dumps me as a student, and tells my friends that I'm going to ruin her lesson horses and maybe I should just take up dressage.

When another trainer tells me that they don't think I've made any progress

When the super talented mare I bought.... green.... because of course.... ends up not being a suitable match for me over fences and I finally have to look at the writing on the wall.  Talented horse with the right rider.  Which I'm not.  Can't even keep my leg on to the base.  Cause I sure don't tend to improve as a rider even with weekly lessons with qualified instruction.

I keep moving.  I'm not sure it's exactly moving forward, since people say I don't make any progress in my riding.  But what's the alternative?  Golf?  Sewing?

When my friend died I inherited one of her horses, an 8 year old gelding who hadn't been off the farm but once in his life.  I'd started him, he'd been for 30 days of training, and then he just sat.  So last winter instead of taking Stella for a lesson (she was lame) I took him.  He spooked at A LOT OF STUFF.  He still spooks.

I had thought I'd sell him.  When he's not being quirky he's safe, and quiet, and in general willing to please and put up with mistakes.   I struggled with that because I'm clearly no horse trainer, despite what my friends say other people say different.   I'm no pro.  I've had people tell me I have no business pretending I can train green horses.

But.... he's safe and quiet and in general willing to please and put up with mistakes.  He jumps my crossrails.  I put flying changes on him in one ride.  He's a good boy.  Will I get to BN?  Given my previous history, I'm gonna go with a firm NO.  But screw it.

I keep moving.

So I take lessons and probably give my trainers nightmares about my stunning lack of progress, and I go to shows and jump my crossrails and get a sunburn and go home and take a nap and take care of my mudfarm.

I'm not sure I'll keep up my blog, I don't feel like there's much interest in mediocre riders with green ponies but I wanted to update for the sake of moving forward.

Mojo

 Hello all,  Life has been busy and I have not felt I've had anything worth blogging about.  Or that my blog is particularly interesting to people so I've let it go by the wayside.  I've decided to make a post since I've found myself with the need to get something off my chest without clogging up everyone's Facebook feeds with my whoa is me story. 

As some of you know, I bought a farm.  When you buy a ramshackle farm that has sat empty for 4 months and neglected for however many years it comes with all sorts of great opportunities to work until dark and not have any desire or time to ride.  Which I guess wasn't really a big deal since Stella broke a splint bone 12 hours after bringing her home. 

YAYYY. 

When Stella was ready to go back to work again she had other ideas, the new environment, smaller herd, and time off gave her a wicked case of buddy sour and I quickly saw my vision of becoming a brave and forward rider by spending lots of time hacking over my 10 beautiful acres end up in the dirt.  Along with actually ending up in the dirt.  I have a lovely grass jump ring with an entire course of fences and I've been in it TWICE.  I just keep mowing it and not wanting to ride in it since she's an idiot.  It makes me sad that I can take her to lessons and trail riding and she's fine but the rides when I've tried to leave my outdoor (or hell, even in the outdoor a few times) have not been awesome. 

Well, I had several rides that were nice.  Including one where I rode with my other half and Stella and I galloped all over the field.  Then she spooked at a plant 24 hours later in the same field and I fell off. 

Since June I've taken two lessons.  One where I actually jumped some things.  I figured it would be excellent motivation to attend a local HT with extra tiny teeny fences.  Getting dumped 2 days before the show probably didn't help my confidence but we had a wonderful dressage test, I had someone else ride her stadium, then I packed her up and went home.  I realized at that moment that I had no desire to fail and wimping out and going home early was far better than getting nervous, feeding Stella my nerves, and have a rearing runaway like the last two times I attempted to go cross country. 

I did not share my day with anyone beyond who was there.  My Facebook feed was full of people on their horses doing well. 

I've been handing over the reins a lot this year and having pros do what makes them pros and give Stella confident rides around XC or show jumping.  I see the difference it has made in Stella, and I'd rather not ride her at all than risk screwing her up.  Or failing. 

So where do we go from here?  I'd like to say that I've lost my mojo since moving.  But I'm not entirely sure I've had any mojo this year at all.